About Me

I'm a writer dreaming of being published, with a preference for prose but a love for poetry. I've been writing some ten years, possibly longer, and I write a lot of gothic, fantasy, and science fiction.

Thursday, 17 December 2015

After the Argument

  A sort of magnetism drew me to watch Bernie as he moved from the sofa to our sorry excuse for a kitchen. His walk was slow and deliberate, yet just as relaxed and carefree, as he made his way to the corner unit where the cheap white kettle sat. I remember buying the damn thing. Was in the sale at some off-brand homeware store, but still cost a bomb to me. Could’ve used that money for a pack of fags, yet here we are, using coffee as a pathetic substitute. Bernie grasp the kettle’s handle and swung around to our dull steel sink to fill it. His back was turned now, for the better I’d say. I could see the droplets of water splashing about as he filled the kettle, getting the counters all wet. I’d yell at him for his carelessness, but I’d lost all motivation to so much as open my mouth. The general quiet was fine by me. When he’d finished filling that kettle up, Bernie turned back to it’s home and set it to boil. It’s infernal noise filled the room, and he glanced over at me. I couldn’t look at his face. I couldn’t look at that moustache! It was one of those hipster ones, looked like a bloody handlebar of course. Just looking at it made me want to scream. Bernie went back to watching the kettle, and from the side I could see a frown under the handlebar.

  After a minute or so of just listening to the kettle boil away, Bernie turned back to look at me. “We can move on from this,” he said, “we can start fresh”. I didn’t grace him with a response. The death stare I was giving him was all he needed to know. His bushy eyebrows knitted together in so fake display of sadness. God, I wanted to tear that facial hair of his bloody face. It was becoming an eyesore. He rested his hands on the countertop, letting his large rough hands spread out. I could see him gently arching his back forward, and his face dropped to gaze at the counter’s outdated plastic surface. He’d told me that the kitchen should stay as it was. Something about it being retro. I’d gone along with it, only because we were broke and kitchen’s were too expensive. I wanted one of those nice contemporary kitchens you see in all the modern homes, not like this piece of rubbish.

  The kettle clicked to announce it was done. Thank god. I can’t stand the sound of that thing. Bernie snapped back to attention and rushed to set up a pair of mugs for us. I didn’t want coffee, so why was he even bothering? The bloody handlebar is possessing him, I swear. The mugs were mismatched as usual, a plain cream affair for him, a rainbow striped one for me. He had a pathetically hipster one before, but it had chipped and he was having none of it when I suggested he just keep using it. Him and his fear of germs, I tell you. It’s irrational. He took his time pouring the boiled water into the mugs, but still water splashed about all over the counter. I’d have to wipe that up, no doubt. For a hypochondriac he never did bother to clean up. Made me want to pull his hair and yell in his face for it. He picked up the teaspoon he’d set out so neatly and took hold of the sugar jar, which looked more like a mini-bin. Two for me, one for him. I watched him scoop the sugar from its home intently, watched how he would shake the excess of the spoon ever so carefully before unceremoniously dropping it into the mug. He sauntered over to the fridge and grabbed the milk, kicking the fridge as he returned to the mugs. The slam of the fridge door made me shift in my seat a bit, made me want to throw the cushion at his stupid face. He loved to make noise, loved to show of how he owned the place.

  He tried to be careful with the milk, but the banging of a door in the flat next to ours made Bernie jump, splashing milk all over. He swore. I was between a laugh and a scream, but remained silent. You could sneak behind him and poke his back and he’d scream like a child. He regained his senses and finished with the milk, and brought the mugs back to the sofa. He’d left the milk out. I’d have to put that away too. He really had no common sense at times. His face was stoic, like mine, and he offered me the rainbow mug as a peace offering. His arm was stiff, an artery sticking out of his forearm from the wrist. I rolled my eyes and looked away, focusing on the currently-broken TV sat all alone to the side. I saw in it’s dark screen that Bernie was setting the mugs on the plywood coffee table with all the greatest care in the world. I didn’t have to see him sit next to me, I could feel that well enough. His shoulder was lightly touching mine. His breathing was deep and loud. I wanted to punch him so bad, it was becoming hard to resist. He had other ideas, of course, probably a passionate apology or something, but I wouldn’t have any of it.

  I stood up and made my way to the bedroom door. I could hear him asking where I was going, what I was doing. I could hear him get up and approach me. I opened the door. He was raising his voice, asking me why I wasn’t talking to him, how we could work things out.

  I slammed the door.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015


  Introductions have always been an odd experience. The intention is to make an impression, the expectation is, typically, to make that impression a good one, but not necessarily a honest one. Everyone has to introduce themselves, over and over again, until everyone who sought to know you ends up knowing something about you. It's always considered polite and proper to introduce yourself, but why must conversation and meeting new people include it? Why not just start discussion with a topic, not your name? You can claim that it's professional and all, but the best impressions are the unexpected ones. The drunk girl who starts talking to you about ducks is a better impression than someone just approaching you and saying "Hi, my name is X". If we assume that the latter is the 'right' form of introduction, than we will equally assume that everyone is polite and informed of social protocols. Sounds nice, yeah, but such an accepted style ignores what really matters, like your actual personality, your quirks, your genuine self. Instead, everyone is introduced to these manufactured fronts, all uncannily similar and similarly uncanny.

  So how about I introduce myself? If you met me in person, you'd meet a talkative, noisy girl, constantly pulling down the hem of her mini skirt and fidgeting with her jewellry and hair. I confess I do the whole "Hi, I'm X" gig too much, but I've found that I prefer to just go straight into conversation without mentioning my name. Example: my first day at my current university didn't contain a single meeting starting with the name exchange, and I loved it. The compulsory icebreakers were more focused on showing off your personality than how nice you could be to a variety of people, and that was good (the only good thing about icebreakers, if I say so myself). In the end of the day, being initially judged as polite can damage any future judgements the same person makes about you; they see you as the depressed or lethargic person you are, and wonder why you're not as upbeat as you 'used to be'. Doesn't really make sense when you think of it that way, hmm? Another example: I worked at a big pub chain for nearly a year, and in my interview the manager got me to talk casually rather than professionally. And it worked. It seems better to be relaxed and yourself in the long-run than being all shut up and 'normal'.

  Name's Ellie, by the way.